I normally keep my columns upbeat and positive as cruising is such a privilege. But, unfortunately, on every cruise I’ve ever been on there has been that stereotypical whinger who seems to revel in their misery.
Every ship has them and every cruise story wouldn’t be complete without one. No one complains about cruising quite like cruisers.
Look, I get that sometimes there are valid reasons to complain and I also get that cruisers can get disappointed that the experience they’ve paid for doesn’t cut the mustard.
But there are also the very non-valid complaints I’ve had the non-pleasure of being privy to.
The things guests whisper (loudly) about in elevators, post on social media at midnight and vow (dramatically) that this will be “the last time” they cruise on that line again.
Let me share a few that have particularly irked me to the point of manifesting in a very annoying eye twitch.
Missed ports
You’ve booked a certain itinerary because you’ve been dreaming about a certain port stop for years. Suddenly, the weather turns, winds howl and conditions are too dangerous to make the port.
Disappointment is a valid response. Yelling at the crew is not. On a recent trip through Japan the weather was so bad that two ports were missed.
As the crew hastily rejigged the activities to ensure guests were entertained, an awful sound cut through the atrium. Mr and Mrs Twit were having a full-blown tanty, demanding to speak to the Captain and needing a tender to be deployed NOW to get them ashore.
The calm guest services staff tried over and over again to explain that this was impossible. The Twits’ voices grew louder and the mood of the all the other guest witnessing this debacle grew impatient, with an audible groan emanating in collective response.
I will say this once and very clearly; every cruise itinerary can be changed by the Captain. You are not guaranteed that the cruise you go on will make every stop. That’s the risk you take with cruising. The Captain is not God and he does not control the weather. End of story.
Gratuities
Tipping is probably the most controversial topic among cruisers. Should they be included in the fare? Should you feel obliged to tip extra? Is tipping just a way for cruise lines to skimp on paying their crew proper wages? Ugh, this topic really annoys the bejesus out of me.
In my opinion it’s completely and utterly a personal decision to make. Tip, don’t tip, it’s no-one’s business but your own. Personally, I always tip my steward as he is making my bed and cleaning my toilet. That deserves $20 a day, the cost of one cocktail. Just stop whingeing about it. No-one is obliged to tip.
Chair hogs
I have never, ever, ever not been able to find somewhere to sit out on deck. Yes, it can get busy, but there’s always somewhere to sit.
Buying a cruise ticket doesn’t entitle you to have the best lounger in the best location. It’s first come, first served. You get what you get, you don’t get upset and you certainly don’t complain to the crew about moving people’s belongings after 15 minutes because “they’re chair hogs”. Yes, I’ve personally witnessed this many times, unfortunately.
While we’re on the topic of outdoor spaces, the worst type of whinger on deck is the one who complains about children having fun and, heaven forbid, splashing in the pool. If you’re this miserable, don’t cruise.
Going up and down…and sometimes up again
Elevators on cruises are not always pleasant places. You don’t all have to cram in and make it unbearable for the guests already in there. The number of times I’ve been rendered unable to breath because people rush into a lift are countless.
Here’s a little secret. The next lift will only be a few minutes away and if you can’t wait that long, take the stairs!
Bartenders are not your personal assistants
I was witness to an encounter that got me so angry I confronted the rude guest.
Two hours into boarding and a very loud Welsh woman ordered two cans of Coke. The bartender cracked open the drinks and handed them over with a smile. Welsh woman turned into a banshee, screaming, “HOW DARE YOU OPEN THE CANS!! THEY WILL NOW SPILL EVERYWHERE.”
The poor bartender calmly explained it was ship policy, turning pale as she continued to scream at his “incompetence”.
At this stage I stepped in, telling her to basically shut her pie hole and to stop disrespecting the crew. She snatched the two open cans and stomped off, announcing loudly she was going to Guest Services to complain and have him fired.
My only consolation was that three days after this encounter, said Welsh woman had tuned into fried Welsh woman and was sporting a very angry sunburn all over her body.
And now I’ve saved the best till last.
The whinger that moaned about having to use a wooden stirrer for her tea instead of a teaspoon. At this rate lady, just stay home.
There’s always going to be whingers but they’re really just background noise (and make for animated storytelling).
The cruisers who have the best time are the ones that just roll with the minor inconveniences, have a laugh and remember they’re on holiday.
A little whinge is human but, in my humble opinion, a day at sea beats any on land. So don’t waste your time aboard looking for faults, rather revel in the joy and adventure.
